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[18 May 2005|07:19pm] |
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 Come on people! |
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B101.5 |
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Group Therepy
Ok, the name of the game is Word Association.
At the bottom of this post I'll type a word. Now, the first person to respond to this will type the first word that pops into their head after they read the word I've typed. The second person will respond to the first person with the first word that they think of when they see the first person's word and so on and so on. When we are done, lets see where we've ended up.
The word is:
Blue.
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[18 Apr 2005|01:02pm] |
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 Today is pretty |
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Finnishing mah survey....^^!
Boredom-buster: Many illegal and fulfilling acts of random psycotic and uninhibited deeds.
Newspaper comic: Zits. <333
Section in a bookstore: Varies regularly. But I do love bookstores.
romantic scene in a movie: ^_~
OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW (NOT JUST YOUR FRIENDS)
The one you can stand for the longest amount of time: Stephanie
Wears the funkiest socks: Stephanie
The activist: James
The most boy (or girl) obsessed: Kelly
The horniest: ME!!
The one who you wouldn't care if they disappeared from the face of this earth: Their my friends.....why would I wish that? If I had to I'd just choose myself....
The best musician: Wes
The overachiever: Alyson
The DIYer: Steph, James, Chris- and I depend on the 3 of them to do eveyrything for me ^^
The worst taste in music: Darcy
Needs a life: Kelly.
You absolutely couldn't live without: My Mom. And next to her, Stephanie.
The best singer:Me! No not really....I'd definately have to say Tracy.
The most expansive vocabulary: Stephanie and James. Sometimes Chris (if he's not drunk)
Has the niftiest house: Kiersten
Has the prettiest handwriting: Me.
Talks way too much: Again...me.
The one you truly worry about: Stephanie, she still has yet to see the beauty that the rest of us see.
Never gets sick: Stephanie.
EITHER/OR
Elvis or Madonna? Elvis
Green or red? Red
Sci-fi thriller or trashy romance? sci-fi thriller
Martial arts or yoga? BOTH!
Lollipop or Hershey's Kiss? Lollipop
When you sleep, bedroom door open or closed? Depends...^_~
Jacket or sweatshirt? Jacket
Radio or CDs? Depends on the mood I'm in.
Recliner chair or cushion on the floor? Recliner chair
Bunk bed: top or bottom? Bottom
Handwriting or typing? Either/ or
Chicken Soup: Is good
Ballet or jazz? Ballet
Will continue later...
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[08 Apr 2005|12:23pm] |
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 YAY! |
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HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY
MADISON!
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[18 Feb 2005|12:05pm] |
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 U kno ur only dreamin'! ^_~ |
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If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?
Now post this in your LJ and find out what mine would be!
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[20 Jan 2005|11:40am] |
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 La la lala laaaaa.... |
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None....thats the problem with libraries. |
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I'm tired and I keep getting REALLY hot. I got to school late, but it was okay 'cause I forged a note. I swear if my Mom ever actually wrote an excuse note, they wouldn't believe it was her handwriting. ^_^
This morning was fun. Language is a very complex thing when you're high...I mean not that I.....I would never...O_o
Exams and Benchmarks next week <---pray for snow, and LOTS of it.
I <333 Steffy. I <333 her lovable kitty. And just maybe maybe I <3 Kelly just a little itty bitty bit...XD
I have a docter appt. this afternoon, right after school. Cross your fingers 'cause this is my sanity at stake! Oh boy!! ^_~
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[05 Dec 2004|10:14am] |
Sorry I haven't posted in so long. My computers not working.....
Right now I'm at Steffy's but her and James are still sleeping. I mean sure we were up all night, but I still managed to wake up at 8 o'clock ^_~
I like cigars. They make me feel like a man. I had one last night and was drinking me some yummy Bacardi.
I am pretty....and obviously quite vain about it. XD
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[08 Nov 2004|09:24pm] |
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I know its been ages but.......I'M BAAAACK!!!
Super-Quick-Update: No more therapist or psychiatrist, I hated them and stopped going. No more anti-d's, I hated them and stop taking them. No more boyfriend, I hated the intesity and put off dating. No more psycho-ness, oh wait...never mind, that I still have! ^^
Some things have changed, some things haven't. Overall I am April and that pretty much says it all. ^_~
I don't really have much to say tonight so maybe more later. It feels so weird writing in here 'cause it's been so long.
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[23 Apr 2004|11:23pm] |
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 I can' explain how bad I feel |
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A Pefect Circle- "Vanishing" ...why am I torturing myself? |
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I miss him. Why someone please tell me? Why is it that I can't stop crying?
....When this is all over, well at least when I am ready to talk about it, I will tell you what happened. Until now I just want to cry.
Today at school my dress tore up the back. My Mom had to come pick me up. Then I went to my appointment. Found out I might not have a psychiatrist or therapist any more which means no meds- we've missed 2 appt.s and thats their rule....no shows recieve no treatment. It's their own fault 'cause my Mom would call, but they never got her messages. And then I went to Kel's....
My psychiatrist put me on lexapro. Yay. I got to see my Grandmother. Again Yay.
Thank-you Stephanie for driving straight over and holding me in your arms no questions asked. Thank-you James for driving her. Thank-you Mom (although your never going to read this) for understanding for once and not saying anything at all and just letting me be.
Steph....I am aiming to move in again over the summer hopefully, we have been apart too often. *crosses fingers that nothing stands in the way*
I can't stop worrying. Every song reminds me, every smile, every laugh, every tear.....I used to share them all with him.....How long 'til I can get over him and move on? How long until this hurt goes away?
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| Yay Yayaayayayaay!!!111!!!111!!!imnumberone!!! |
[21 Apr 2004|10:35am] |
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 Happy happy joy joy |
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None I'm at school again.... |
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Uno.
Anyhayaa...Today is mah birthday! I'm numero sixteen! Yaya. Yaya. YAY! (Thank-you very mucha for posting a happy birthday to meh ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ub0r_angel ) *mwuah*
I missed meh psychiatrist appt. I thought it was Tuesday, but it was Monday so I rescheduled for Friday at 12:15. **must rememmeber goddamnitfuckfuckfuckingfuckityfuck**
I'm sitting here in the library and my stupid boyfriend keeps trying to give me a kiss. NO PDA!!! Te-he-he.....but thats okay, cause he's gonna maybe ride the bus home with me today. I hope its warm enough to go swimming, it seems really chilly today though and the past week its been ubor hotness....
I ran out of my Celexa so my Moms been giving me her Lexapro which I beleive is MUCH more effective. I'm going to ask my psychiatrist to switch me to lexapro. Yummm...:-)
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| In my eyes your beauty glows like sunbeams through the darkest night... |
[13 Apr 2004|02:48am] |
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 I just wanted to make sure you |
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...never forget I love you. |
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I really miss one of my closest friends. I just want her to realize how much she truly means to me. There have been alot of times I probably could not have made it through without her. There were nights I missed her so much I cried myself to sleep while hugging a pillow close and thinking of her.
She made me feel truly important by just talking to me, and laughing at my jokes that weren't even funny. Putting up with me, even when my reputation started to make people associated to me look bad. And for dealing with all of the really DUMB shit I've done. And trust me, some of that shit was really fucking stupid.
Anyway, thank-you Stephanie. I love you.
**Dedicated with love to ub0r_angel **
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| My life is very much out of the ordinary..... |
[13 Apr 2004|02:30am] |
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 Drinking coffee- Im VERY awake |
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Just talking to my bestest-best friend Stephanie.^__^ |
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Today my mom has court. My parents of course are having me pee in a cup so that my Mom won't fail the piss test. (She does drugs but its a long story, and trust me...shes better off with them) I love them both very much, but if something happens....oh fuck. I haven't done anything in a month or two so it should be cool, unless I'm like pregnant or something....and yeaah. *crosses fingers*
Anyway, here's a pointless quiz 'cause it's 2:17 in the morning and I'm bored shitless and totally can't sleep. (yuuummm...coffee ^^)
Are you a boy/girl?: Girl
Age: 15, 16 on the 21st. (yay)
Age you began to cut: 13 I think?
Does anyone know you cut? Yes.
Does your parent(s)/ guardian(s)? Yes....they've known for 2 1/2 years.
Do you ever burn or bruise yourself? Yes
Do you think that you are depressed? Yes
Do you think you have anxiety problems? A little.
Do you have any other disorders? Bi-polar and god knows what else.
Do you have an eating disorder? Ummm...used to I guess.
Are you on meds? Yep.
Have you been hospitalized or been to the ER for self injury/ suicide attempt? Yeaah
Have you tried to commit suicide? Yes.
Do you do drugs? Yes
Do you think of cutting as a good or bad thing? Both,it makes me feel good for a while and then later i feel terrible about it.
Do you wish you could stop? sometimes.
What are your feelings leading up to, during and after cutting? Something you'd just have to try to understand.
When you cut does it hurt? Occaisionally, depends on what I use.
Do you bandage your cuts? I have but not usually.
Where do you most normally cut? Anywhere.
Are you alone? I feel as if I am.
Do you have a weapon of choice, do you carry it with you? 97% of the time I have a razor on me, even at school.
What have you used to injure yourself? Knife, lighter, candles, razors, nails, safety pins, broken mirrors/glass, pens, slamming head and self against things, tearing at flesh, ripping out hair, ....almost everything, just not quite all of it yet.
How do you feel about your cuts/scars, do they tell a story? They are mine. They are who I am and will forever be a part of me.
Have people ever asked about your cuts/scars? Yep. Quite often.
Do you ever design a cut (make it decorative or in a certain shape)? Yes.
Have you ever cut too deep? On someone else....
Do you go to therapy? I love my psychiatrist, he's really cool. My therapist is a bitch.
Do you have trust issues? Yes
Do you know people or hang out with people who cut? Yes
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| NOOOO! |
[10 Apr 2004|10:55pm] |
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Stuff is going on. And I am very worried about it.
I had a meeting with the school about my attendance. They said I've missed more than six weeks and that that is more than two and a half months. I have a courtdate in June and that might mean 5 hours of therapy a week. I'm almost out of anti-depressants, I only have enough for to more days, and I don't see my psychiatrist for another week. I never really liked my therapist so I've completely stopped seeing her. She was a bitch anyway.
Guidance found out about the two cuts I made on my boyfriends shoulder and called his Mom. She said he's not allowed to see me or speak to me at all and if she could have her way there'd be a restraining order on me. I miss him and I'm scared we wont see each other again.
So far Spring Break sucks and tomorrow is Easter. Today was my Dad's birthday. Nothing happened. My little sisters ran out of eggs to die so my Mom had me hit my Dad up for money. Just because I'm his favorite.
I really need to get out of this house.
**Roland my new daschund puppy is doing great. (my Mom named him though X P....but I love him so much anyways) He's so adorable.
Having ALOT of trouble finding a prom dress I like. I did find out my Dad has a somewhat better fashion sense than my Mom however. Go figure, 'cause my Dad looks like a member of ZZ Top.
I miss Kelly.
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| I'm all awakey-wake ^^ |
[27 Mar 2004|07:55am] |
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 2 hyper to feel this sleepy XP |
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Korn, but about to listen to Alanis Morissette. |
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*Yawwwwnnn....* Grrrr. I should still be asleep. In fact after I'm done typing this I AM going back to sleep.
Anyways....Saturday I went to a concert at Germana with my boyfriend and best friend. (I <3 you both very much ^^) Sunday I was at Stephanies 'till, well until my Mom picked me up from shcool monday. Monday my psychiatrist upped my anti-d's to 30 mg.... only I think I'm still gradually getting worse and slipping little by little. I have my good days, and then I have my bad days. And it just seems like there are a helluvalot more bad than good. Tuesday I went with my family up to Maryland to AU to see Kiss Me Kate which was good, only not as good as Cabaret.
Wednesday I did nothing, just satyed home and slept all day and missed the appt. with my therapist. XP Thursday I actually went to school, and Friday too...although I got a itty-bit sad later on. I must say however that I am very thankful to have such a wonderful boyfriend, who has been there for me since we've known each other, and more than ever these last few weeks.
Plus I have great friends whom I feel it is safe to say I can count on whenever I need them. Now for today.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ !!! *mwuah*
I will try to come to your party today if at all possible.
Now I really really must memorize this song for my SL class and pretend to write both an essay and research paper for English class. Plus all the other work I say I'll do but just wont. ^^
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| What the hell?!? |
[14 Feb 2004|06:01pm] |
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 I cannot help who it is I am. |
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Radio tunes dude. ^__~ |
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I just found out from my Mom that my sister had cancer, the same kind that my aunt had. I was completely unaware that either of them ever had cancer in the first place. I only knew my grandfather and uncle did.
I will never get cancer. Ever. My death has somewhat...other plans.
I have yet another headache. I need to do my homework before it gets worse. Not to mention finnish the sketches for art class.
I am not the least bit lonely. I feel as though I should miss my boyfriend or friends, but I don't.
Happy Valentines Day!!! *blows kisses*
**With closed eyes I felt his kiss as I slowly drifted out of consiousness into the darkness surrounding my soul**
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| I wonder... |
[14 Feb 2004|12:37am] |
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 my foots asleep...owwww |
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radio....funstuff huh? |
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Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results | Sociability | |||||||||||| | 34% | | Gregariousness | |||||||||||||||||| | 54% | | Assertiveness | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Activity Level | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Excitement-Seeking | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Enthusiasm | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Extroversion | |||||||||||||||||| | 51% | | Trust | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Morality | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Altruism | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Cooperation | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Modesty | |||||||||||| | 34% | | Sympathy | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Friendliness | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Competence | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Neatness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Dutifulness | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Achievement | |||||| | 18% | | Self-Discipline | ||||||||| | 30% | | Cautiousness | |||||||||||| | 34% | | Orderliness | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Anxiety | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Volatility | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Depression | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Self-Consciousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Impulsiveness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Vulnerability | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Emotional Stability | |||||| | 20% | | Imagination | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Artistic Interests | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Emotionality | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Adventurousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Intellect | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Liberalism | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Openmindedness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 72% | | Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality TestIs this good or bad?
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| Blaaahhh... |
[09 Feb 2004|07:09pm] |
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Sad...but I feel numb inside |
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There is no music that could comfort me right now. |
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Today is...Monday. Right. Well.
Yesterday I finally heded to the advice of my mother and loving boyfriend and went to the hospital. After waiting...and waiting...they ushered me to a room and had me strip and put on one of those awful hospital gowns. Then I'm laying in there waiting with my mother and her cell phone rings (aren't you supposed to turn those off in a hospital!?!). She leaves the room and 10 minutes later the doctor comes in. I didn't worry about my mother not being there because I didn't want her there in the first place (bad idea, I know) so I didn't say anything. Well I have a question, when you say something hurts shouldn't a person stop what their doing? Especially when you start crying and then start screaming out in pain? Well I always thought the answer was yes but turns out I guess no.
The doctor finally leaves and after I stop crying I sneak out of my room to find my mother...in a hospital gown and socks no less. I find her and it turns out that while we were at the hospital my sister got home from the resort she went to and had let Buddy (one of our many dogs- but he was the best) out. Or maybe my Dad did. Or maybe he let himself out, we're not sure. Well turns out he had been hit by a car and was already dead.
Big big shock to me. I'm still upset about having to have dealt with the doctor so I told my mother all that had happened. She was too upset about Buddy to care. I went back to my room to lay down and just started crying again. I mean firts severe pain and now severe heartache. I really miss him. I do. I miss how he'd curl up next to me and snore, or how he followed me around, how he always listened, his big brown eyes, his hatred for jews, ect. He was a really greatdog even if he was a natzi.
Anyways the doctors perscribed some antibiotics, told me my blood sugar level was 73 and gave me a note saying I can miss the next two days of school. I should have just stayed home. I'd rather have stayed sick for another day than have had to loose Buddy. Yesterday sucked. And I broke an important promise to my boyfriend. And you know what he did? He still loved me anyways and talked to me past curfew. Then called and woke me up to say he'd call me in the morning and that he loved me. And a hundred other really awesomely sweet things.
This morning he called and woke me up. I got a craving for pancakes. I went back to bed. I woke up at three pm. I took a bath/shower. I ate half a bowl of spagettios ( I still crave pancakes O_o) and now I'm online. I should never have woken up.
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Must get offline....
